MEMO TO SELF
DATE: March 31, 2018
RE: DCTS April Fools Story
All right, dammit, think! It’s two hours from April Fools, and you haven’t thought up an April Fools prank for tomorrow’s DCTS. OK, how about this: “Porn Star sues President of the United States, Seeks to Void No-Tell Agreement.” Oh, wait….
OK, how about this. “President fires Secretary of State, National Security Advisor Six Weeks before Historic Meeting with North Korean Dictator.” What’s that? Oh, sorry.
All right. Let’s take a different tack. “Near-Bankrupt Country Passes Multi-Billion Dollar Tax Cut.” Wait, what?
Here’s the problem: there’s too much fake news out there already. Or news that you wished was fake — please God let it be fake — but is not.
So instead of giving them yet another hoax (which, to be convincing, has to be worse than reality, but not much) I’m going to steal a page from the late, lamented Source Festival and hand in a selection of DCTS’ best-of April Fools stories.
I can’t give them worse than reality.
2016: Trump buys naming rights to the Kennedy Center
When asked if his purchase of the naming rights would have any effect on the content or appearance of the famous DC arts landmark, Trump, who once made out on camera with drag-clad Rudy Giuliani, remarked, “Nothing much. We’re gonna clear away that hideous terrace. We’ve got a construction company coming that’ll put something personal on the top instead of that dumb green space. Plants are for hippies.” (authored by) Alan Katz
2015: Next season, DC theatres will restrict themselves to one play
“Taking a chapter out of “One Book, One Community,” theaters will focus productions of one play per season. It is hoped that patrons will have a chance to see a show that everyone’s talking about before it closes. ” (authored by) Seymour Clearly
2014: New union of theatregoers fights back over high ticket prices
In an effort to spur interest in the local performing arts scene, which has been anemic at best, and to cut ticket escalating costs, an advocacy group known as the Virtual Theatergoers Union (VIRTU) announced exciting plans for the 2014-2015 season. Starting this fall, you can “see” your favorite play or musical without actually attending a performance. (authored by) Seymour Clearly
2013: Fantasy theatre companies forming today
“Every theatre fan wants the twin thrill of picking a great cast and running a great company; now they can do both.” The spokesman added that while the initiative is expected to attract the older theatre enthusiast, “we expect the younger, DIY crowd to find the experience exciting.” (authored by) Seymour Clearly
2009: Congress delays Wednesday until Thursday
The bill came about as a result of a request by DC Theatre Scene staff writer Tim Treanor, who had been unable to complete his assigned task to write an April Fool’s gag by the April 1 deadline. Several beneficiaries of last year’s bailout, who had loan repayments due on April 1, joined Treanor in his request.
“I had bupkis,” said Treanor in an exclusive interview with himself. “This was the only thing I could think of to do.” According to Treanor, the bailout beneficiaries also had bupkis for April 1. (authored by) Tim Treanor
2006: Billionaire philanthropist pays $60 million for theatre ticket
Microsoft computer mogul Bill Gates paid sixty million dollars on Thursday for a ticket to Alice in Wonderland at Theatre for the Community because he had inadvertently come on “Pay What You Can Night.” “Damn! I hate Pay What You Can Nights,” said Gates.(authored by) Tim Treanor
